Theresa May announced on 17th January 2017 that the UK had a world beating ‘Stealth Picker of EU Economic CHerries’ (SPEECH) using stealth to beat world markets into submission. SPEECH was deployed but it will take at least two years before it finds a target.
SPEECH is based on a simple questionnaire in the form of an advisory referendum. The final design far exceeds the specification, turning a simple sling-shot into a Westphalian Howitzer. Hyperbole was incorporated, interpreting the ballot paper as aspiring not just to leave the EU but also to embrace the world. The Prime Minister (PM) confirmed the electorate had voted with their eyes open (contradicting current opinion) but not whether they still had them open or had shut them tight. She was not bothered!
SPEECH affirmed that, as well as leaving the EU, the UK would completely change direction; … once again. UK citizens are used to such vacillation, e.g. railway building, nationalisation, Beeching, privatisation and finally chaos.
SPEECH featured a UK becoming stronger (despite a divided country suffering the effects of austerity), fairer (not a tax-haven sweat-shop economy with an unregulated labour market), more united (Scotland and Northern Ireland giving up EU membership aspirations), and more outward looking (the EU only making trade deals with Canada and 49 other countries).
SPEECH emphasised the UK’s enormous potential, talent and ambition. The SPEECH stealthily avoided mentioning that the UK and its precursors had usually failed to exploit this potential.
One feature of SPEECH proclaimed ‘… this moment of change can be used to build a stronger economy and a fairer society’, a palliative to placate corporations and populist voter alike. There would be, however, massive upheaval; from the largest corporations (with reorganisation costing billions), to medium size business (proportionately the greatest employers) and the smallest operations (struggling); all rely on established markets for survival.
SPEECH featured a ‘new Modern Industrial Strategy’, a comfit for constituent nations, regions and for education; to be accompanied by continued austerity. It stealthily hid the fact that investment in economic infrastructure would reward city ‘fat cats’ but would not help the poorly paid denizens of industry. SPEECH promised to improve the quality of people’s lives across the whole country because of the trickle-down principle (although this is deprecated; wealth trickles down but total profits are sucked up so the wealth gap increases).
A hypothetical federal proposal for the United Kingdom
SPEECH emphasised the maintenance of the Union which would not require reconstitution as this would not be a WISE (Wales, Ireland, Scotland and England) federal solution.
The referendum, the PM said, “… was not a decision to turn inward and retreat from the world.” This was absolutely spot on. The referendum was not a decision!
SPEECH was based on Britain’s Imperial past. An empire here, an empire there and then a Commonwealth as an excuse for a biennial blowout and 4-yearly sports event. The PM was proud that from “… India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, America, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, countries in Africa or … Europe (not specifically Poles) … many of us have close friends and relatives from across the world”. Some of these friends work in corner shops and hospitals etc. and keep the world-leading UK ticking over. SPEECH will provide the mechanism for a glorious new British glorious global economic empire; which will be nice!
The PM warned that SPEECH could trigger a domino effect but she hoped it would not. It has since been pointed out by experts that the EU would avoid this because the UK would get a worse deal outside the EU. She warned that other member states of the EU were subject to the same conditions of valuing diversity above unity, so the domino effect could still occur! Of course, SPEECH had evolved from the ideas of a pariah politician and his movement whose expressed wish is to destroy the EU completely. Clearly, SPEECH perfectly manages the domino effect?
The Prime Minister also said SPEECH would restore Parliamentary Sovereignty but we knew that!
One important aspect of SPEECH was revealed. ‘Hard brexit’ would be ‘clean brexit’ and not ‘compound fracture brexit’. The UK would be alone and absolutely equal to the EU with its 27 members. SPEECH stated that “… both sides in the referendum campaign made it clear that a vote to leave the EU would be a vote to leave the Single Market.” This was a brilliant piece of post-truth stealth rhetoric as neither side said this, except the Farage and the UKIP side (the off-side).
SPEECH meant a free trade agreement with the single market with proportionate fees paid and, because this was done by stealth, no one would notice that the result was almost as good as the UK being in the EU. Experts have pointed out that the net benefit of this competitive relationship would be less than that achieved by cooperation. So, the UK would be independent but with unfettered access to the EU cake.
Other aspects of SPEECH would achieve the same facilities as EU membership; security and intelligence, an open border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, the rights of EU citizens who are resident in the UK (a bargaining chip), worker’s rights (which Tories have always protected) and science and innovation (in which the UK leads the world). All these would be renegotiated to establish the STATUS QUO. With no changes, the stealth principle would apply and the tangled negotiations would slip underneath the radar.
SPEECH promised that once the deal had been established, Parliament would be allowed a vote on whether it was happy or not. The UK would therefore ‘Take Back Control’. SPEECH stealthily failed to mention the millions who did not vote in agreement with this slogan or who voted against it; a rhetorical slip as the PM was quite clear that democracy would be fully served.
The European Court of Justice
SPEECH removes the unnecessary European Court of Justice (ECJ). This would not be required as a court of appeal if the UK should ever make an unjust decision, which of course can never happen. Except for Heathrow maybe? Or fracking? Or …?
SPEECH was designed by champions of the free market and hopes to achieve complete market freedom for goods, services and capital; labour and its movement, however, would be managed. The UK will only receive immigrants that are the world’s top performers who will not be taking the jobs of UK residents. UK residents will not have to accept lower grade employment because education will be improved. So, that’s all right then!
SPEECH will be launched piecemeal from the White Cliffs of Gover. This ‘shattered’ approach will be much less painful than the ‘clenched fist’ approach that a hard ‘clean brexit’ would entail. So, no blindfold leap with only a tax haven parachute with corporation tax cut strings to cushion our descent.
SPEECH addresses the issue that, even though it would be better to stay in the EU, the UK will be able to achieve all the benefits without the responsibilities of membership. While the PM had previously wanted the UK to remain in the EU, now she goes along with the clear majority.
SPEECH would not feed the media with a “blow-by-blow” account of the UK’s bloody battles to defend itself in this desperate situation. This stealthily disguises the fact that negotiations would not be for mutual benefit but would be to attempt to rescue something from the rubble.
The PM clarified that SPEECH was not a ‘zero sum game’, stealthily ignoring the fact that it is a ‘non-zero sum game’ where everyone stands to lose. Even though staying in the EU is the best option, because more profitable trade can be generated by a larger trade group, the Prime Minister is optimistic, so that’s all right then!
SPEECH necessitates a lot of hard work to achieve the status quo, with the UK achieving benefits formerly received through EU. Failing that, the UK would be forced (by EU intransigence) to defend itself in other ways; to “…jeopardise investments in Britain by EU companies worth more than half a trillion pounds”; to restrict “… access for European firms to … financial services”; to refuse “… exports from the EU to Britain worth around £290 billion every year” and there would be serious disruption to “…the sophisticated and integrated supply chains upon which many EU companies rely”. Stealth was used to obscure the fact that this is a two-edged sword. The implication was that the UK would by that time be dug into a tax-haven trench with international financiers sheltering to protect off-shore investments. SPEECH did not mention that the EU could side-step this and realign itself. I am sure a stealth feature will be revealed that counters the export of banking operations from the City to the EU, as announced subsequently.
SPEECH states that 65 million people are backing it to the hilt and it was a great relief to hear that the divisions in the UK resulting from the divisive referendum had healed completely. We can now take off the plaster and examine the scars. We see that division in the Tory party has been stitched up but is not healing. The Labour party is not responding to treatment and is producing persistent suppuration. The Liberal Democrats are suffering from old wounds that will not heal despite these being inflicted by the Tories. The body politic is cut to the quick and festering. The PM, thank goodness, is optimistic.
Finally, SPEECH ensures that the future of these sovereign isles’ will no longer pay mere lip service to the anachronistic pomp and circumstance of the ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ (great song though this is). The UK’s world-beating Stealth Cherry-Picker technology ensures that ‘Britannia Rules the Waves’, and also the markets; and conquers the planet. The greatest of great nations will never become cloud cuckoo land. The UK can now look forward to the brightest of bright futures and, for comparison, hold the UK’s dazzling future success, guaranteed by SPEECH, up to the mirror of the EU’s failure.